


you're the best kept secret, rolling off my tongue

by tgrsndshrks



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Come Eating, Dirty Talk, Humiliation, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Masturbation, Recreational Drug Use, Small Penis, Tumblr, Verbal Humiliation, niall has a small dick and likes how we all joke about it, oh yeah and, so louis makes him jerk off and talks dirty to him, that's it that's the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 04:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3236222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tgrsndshrks/pseuds/tgrsndshrks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Do you want to try?” Louis asks softly. “I won't touch you. Just talk to you. You can do yourself if you'd like.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“What do you mean?” Niall asks. He's leaning into Louis's shoulder.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“I mean, if you let me talk to you about how tiny your little dick is. And then maybe I'll compare it to my pinky and see how it measures up,” Louis says. He very distinctly notices the twitch in Niall's trackies.</i>
</p>
<p>or, niall has a small dick and likes when fans joke about it. louis takes full advantage of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're the best kept secret, rolling off my tongue

**Author's Note:**

> i have no excuse for this i really don't
> 
> the good news is i literally do this shit for a living so i know how to make fun of a small penis. have fun.
> 
> shoutout to tyler for getting me into SPH (small penis humiliation) niall and shoutout to ashley for coming up with some of the fake tumblr urls.

“I love all the text posts calling Liam 'daddy',” Louis says, as he's scrolling through the Tumblr app on his phone. He's comfortably perched in Liam's lap as usual, his legs across Zayn's lap. Harry and Niall are sat on the couch opposite them, Niall trying and struggling to roll a joint on the moving bus.

“S'pose it's accurate,” Harry says, around a mouthful of crisps. “We did call him daddy direction for ages.”

“I still don't understand the daddy thing though,” Liam says, shrugging the shoulder that Louis isn't laying on.

“Mate, let me do it,” Zayn says, gesturing to Niall, who's on his third rolling attempt.

“You mean like as a sexual thing?” Louis asks. Zayn shoves his legs off so he can lean forward enough to reach the table. “It's no less weird than being called baby if you think about it.”

“Have you thought about it then?” Niall remarks.

“Listen, it's a thing on Tumblr,” Louis says petulantly. He'd gotten an account out of curiosity about a month ago and on their off days he liked to go through his dashboard and tell the rest of the boys about the ridiculous shit he'd read. “And it's not the weirdest thing I've seen people call Liam, that's for sure.”

“What else?” Harry asks, even though he sounds completely disinterested now that there's a perfectly rolled joint being lit by Zayn across from him.

“Lemon Point,” Louis says.

“What?” Liam interjects.

“Lemon Point,” Louis repeats. “Liam Payne. Lemon Point. Tumblr humor.”

Liam still looks lost, but Zayn passes him the joint anyway.

“Puff puff pass, bro,” Zayn reminds him.

“Oh my god, this is brilliant,” Louis says, looking at his phone. “They're having an in depth discussion about the sizes of our cocks.”

“Mine's biggest,” Harry says. Louis barks a laugh and takes the joint from Liam, taking a very large hit.

“Not according to Tumblr user zaynsleftshoe,” he says tightly, trying not to let out too much smoke. He sighs it out and passes to Harry. “Tumblr user zaynsleftshoe thinks Liam's cock, quote, 'would probably put you in a wheelchair for at least a week'.”

“Oh my god,” Liam says flatly.

“They're not wrong,” Niall says, taking the joint as Harry blows smoke in his face.

“In order,” Louis says, “Liam, Harry, Zayn, me, Niall.” Niall chokes on his hit and coughs loudly.

“Sorry Ni,” Harry says, patting Niall on the back with a very large and heavy hand.

“What did they say about me?” Niall asks, his eyebrows furrowed, like he's not sure if he should be offended or not.

“'Niall probably has the penis of a prepubescent child', says Tumblr user showercurtainharry,” Louis reads off his phone, as if he's reading a New York Times book review. “'I agree', says Tumblr user singleliam2k16, 'it's probably the size of my pinky.”

“Oh my god,” Niall says, flopping back on the couch, ears burning red.

“There's also a very heated argument going on about which of us have foreskins, so there's that,” Louis says conversationally. “Bit funny considering two of us are confirmed uncut and one's a Muslim.” He shoves Zayn's thigh with his sock foot.

“Isn't circumcision really common in America though?” Harry asks thoughtfully, before shoving more crisps into his mouth.

“I believe it's the norm there,” Liam says, taking the joint as it's handed to him.

“Rubbish,” Louis says. “Foreskin is amazing. Disrespectful.”

“I'm gonna have a wee; you can finish that up without me,” Niall says, getting up. Louis swats him in the crotch as he passes, starting a bit when he notices... He looks at Niall shuffling off to the bus toilet. Huh.

“More hits for me then,” Harry says, trying to grab the last bit of the joint off Liam, but Louis whacks his hand.

“I was next,” Louis says, grabbing it instead. “Don't worry, I'll leave you a hit.”

x

Louis is fixing himself a cup of tea before he's planning to go to sleep. They have a busy day of press tomorrow and if he doesn't get enough sleep he'll be acting like a dickhead the whole time. He looks down the aisle of the bus and the back lounge light is still on, with someone playing FIFA. Must be Niall. Louis doesn't know if he should go talk to him or not, but he's been by himself all afternoon. He pads down the bus past the bunks and the toilet, knocking lightly on the doorway to announce his entrance. Niall looks up from his game, then back to the screen.

“Hey Lou,” he says, distracted.

“Hey Ni,” Louis says quietly, sitting next to him on the couch. He blows on his tea. “How's your game going?”

“Annihilating as usual,” Niall says. “How's your tea?”

“Perfect and absolutely not like Liam's, who puts too much sugar in,” Louis replies casually. It's quiet while Niall plays for a moment, then he pauses the game. Lived a Lie by You Me At Six is playing over the pause menu. Niall looks at the controller, sighs, then looks at Louis.

“We're best mates, right?” Niall asks. Louis furrows his eyebrows at him.

“Clearly,” he says.

“So I can tell you a secret and you won't tell the other lads?” Niall asks.

“I – I mean, not if you don't want me to,” Louis says, which is when he makes the connection. “This is about earlier.” Niall's ears go red.

“Is it okay if I... like how the fans joke about me having a little dick?” he asks quietly. Louis shrugs.

“Just as okay as any other sex thing somebody could like,” he says. Niall sighs, and Louis continues. “I felt your stiffy when I whacked you in the pants earlier,” he admits. “I was a little put off till I realized. But it's fine with me.”

“You don't think it's weird?” Niall asks shyly.

“Nah,” Louis says. “People are into way weirder things. I have a Tumblr, remember.” Niall snorts a laugh and Louis smiles. “Do you actually genuinely have a small dick though?” he asks. “I mean I know I've seen it soft, but. Growers and showers and all that.” Niall blushes again.

“It's not... tiny, but it's not big,” he says. “Not even average, really.”

“Average is like six inches isn't it?” Louis asks. “I'm around that and El's never complained. It's about how you use it mate.” Niall scrunches up his nose.

“I'm around five on a good day,” he says. “The fans are right. It really is the size of a pinky.”

Louis sips his tea, then places the mug on the table next to Niall's empty beer.

“C'mere,” Louis says, putting his arm around Niall's shoulders. “Have you ever actually done this with a girl before? Had her verbally humiliate you?”

“No,” Niall says, shaking his head. “I've never had a girl mention it. Usually just went down on 'em a lot to make up for it.”

“Do you want to try?” Louis asks softly. “I won't touch you. Just talk to you. You can do yourself if you'd like.”

“What do you mean?” Niall asks. He's leaning into Louis's shoulder.

“I mean, if you let me talk to you about how tiny your little dick is. And then maybe I'll compare it to my pinky and see how it measures up,” Louis says. He very distinctly notices the twitch in Niall's trackies.

“I,” Niall says, biting his lips together. “But if I need you to stop you have to stop, okay?”

“Of course love,” Louis says. He squeezes Niall's shoulder. “Are you already hard in there?”

“Not all the way,” Niall says. He unties them, pushes them down with his boxers. Louis smiles. He's guess Niall's around the size of a lighter now, and Louis half expects Niall to go ahead and touch himself but he doesn't.

“It's cute,” Louis says, and Niall's cock twitches. “Look, he can hear me. Hey there little guy.” He reaches down and rests his hand on Niall's hip.

“Can I...?” Niall starts to ask, reaching down a bit, and Louis nods.

“Yeah,” he says. “I want you to get it hard so we can figure out which of my fingers it's the same size as.” Niall's hand covers his entire cock when he grabs it, tugging to wake himself up. “Which finger do you think?” Louis holds his hand out flat, palm up, on Niall's hip.

“Probably your pinky,” Niall says, his voice gone hoarse already. “Maybe your pointer finger if I can get really hard.”

“Babe, you have no faith in yourself,” Louis says. “Or do you just like humiliating yourself too?”

“Bit of both,” Niall admits, laughing softly. Louis giggles.

“Is it there yet?” he asks, rubbing Niall's side a bit.

“I think so,” Niall says, letting go so Louis can see. Louis sits up a bit, extends his pinky finger, and aligns it with Niall's length.

“Well, look at that,” Louis says. “You're a teeny tiny bit bigger than my pinky. It's so cute. Did you say five inches?”

“I... may have exaggerated a bit,” Niall admits.

“That's naughty of you,” Louis says. He slides his hand up under Niall's shirt. “Do you know what happens when you're naughty?”

“What's that?” Niall asks, watching Louis's hand.

“Naughty boys have to be told how to wank off,” Louis says. “Especially naughty boys with tiny little dicklets.” Niall shivers under him.

“I agree,” he says softly. “How should I?”

“Like this,” Louis says, taking his hand out of Niall's shirt and holding it like he's showing how small an inch is. “With just your thumb and your index finger. You're going to jerk off like that while I talk, okay?”

Niall nods, and he touches himself again, but this time with just the two fingers. He starts working himself.

“I can be mean or I can be nice but also mean at the same time,” Louis says. “Which is better?”

“Maybe be a bit nice too,” Niall says softly, his cheeks flushed, and Louis sort of wants to kiss him. He hasn't kissed Niall in a long time. He presses his lips to his cheek instead, keeping close to his ear.

“I like how you look wanking with just two fingers,” Louis says softly. “It does look bigger when you do that. Don't wank like that in front of girls though, they'll probably laugh.”

“I've never had a girl laugh,” Niall says.

“You look ridiculous, babe,” Louis says. “But that's the only way you can touch that little thing unless you want to just completely cover it up with your fist.” Niall hums softly, and Louis leans down to kiss on his neck. “Y'know, I bet if you were gonna fuck me, it wouldn't even reach any of the good spots.”

“Lou,” Niall says.

“Is it okay if I talk about that?” Louis whispers quickly. Niall nods, so Louis gets right back to it. “I would either have to put a cock sleeve on you and ride that or put a strap on on you, right on top of your little weenie.” Niall whimpers softly. “Either way you wouldn't get to feel me.”

“Plus, getting to fuck you is for good boys,” Niall murmurs, “and I've been naughty.” Louis smiles, sliding a hand back up Niall's shirt.

“That's true,” Louis says. “You may have a tiny cock but you're smart.” He kisses Niall's neck again, open mouthed this time. “Maybe I'd have to fuck Liam instead. His cock is huge.” Louis hears Niall's breath catch and he looks down to see he's dripping precum, his fingers working furiously to get him off. “Are you gonna be able to cum from that?”

“Yeah,” Niall pants. “Just keep talking.”

“Maybe I'd have to fuck Liam instead,” Louis says, jumping right back to his thought. “I don't know if I could even take his cock. It's so long and thick. Not like yours. His is like, twice as big as yours. Maybe three times. But that's okay because yours is so cute. I could probably fit it all in my mouth at once.”

“M'gonna cum, Lou,” Niall breathes, and Louis nods him on.

“Go ahead and cum, Ni,” Louis says, finding a nipple and rubbing lightly with his finger. “I wanna see how much cum can come out of that little itty bitty thing. I want you to cum all over yourself and then clean yourself up.”

Niall tenses under him and Louis watches as he cums, spilling over and over again on his fingers and his stomach. Louis smiles, sitting up a bit.

“That was a lot of cum for such a small dick,” he says. He lifts Niall's chin and he kisses him, soft and reassuring. “Now, be a good boy and clean up after yourself.”

Louis barely has his sentence finished before Niall's got his fingers in his mouth, the other hand wiping up cum to feed to himself. Once he's gotten himself cleaned up, Louis gives him another kiss. He can taste Niall, smells it on him. Louis gets up, grabs his tea.

“If you want to stay in my bunk tonight you can,” he says. “We can play FIFA in the morning.” Niall grins.

“I will destroy you,” he says, voice raw. Louis snorts.

“Yeah, sure,” he remarks, sipping his tea. Still warm. “Goodnight, Ni.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] you're the best kept secret, rolling off my tongue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3850531) by [tgrsndshrks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tgrsndshrks/pseuds/tgrsndshrks)




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